Books
Autobiography
Two brothers, just fourteen months apart, as if joined at the hip, spend the whole of their childhood – fifteen years all told – in the same three different schools.
The first (which covers 1946-1949) is an orphanage, where sadism towards the boys (all from broken homes) has been honed into a fine art by the Sisters espousing it. These women seem to have got lost en route to a lunatic asylum but the Sisters are very happy in their work!
The boys’ mother, a fiercely proud Irish/Scottish woman, almost dies giving birth to twins the very month (February , 1946) her other children are taken into care as a result of a gambling debt notched up by her husband. She fights tooth and nail to get them out of the two hell-holes they’ve been dumped in.
The change is bliss. The two boys, Henry and Kenneth (“The Brothers”) are transported from one of the most notorious orphanages in North London (St Vincent’s, Mill Hill) to one of the most idyllic (Visitation Convent, Bridport, Dorset). The two institutions are chalk and cheese.
Henry and Kenneth enjoy the cheese enormously and never want to leave. The waves are not only spectacular. The waves are kind to them both.
ANIMAL VERSES HUMAN
Comic Verse
Man has evolved over billions of years. / From some infinitesimal Bug./ God knows why it took him such aeons / To develop into a mug! / One suspects, too, he only turned human / At the expense of his Animal side./
If so, these hybrid verses / Might help bridge the colossal divide.
PETER PATT OF TIN PAN PALACE
Humorous Writing – Comic / Children’s Book
Peter Patt has a problem. His father, Percy Patt, has collected pots and pans for as long as he cares to remember – all his life. But he’s never managed to sell even one of them.
But then one morning just before dawn Polly the Parrot drops by the window of Peter Patt, his son. She persuades Peter to come with her the full length of the rainbow, past Peter’s home town, Piccadilly Pickaback, to Pimpernel Parliament where there is the most almighty gathering of animals and birds.
This creatures at this gathering debate what to do about Percy Patt’s problem and the wise old Owl chips in with the solution. They’ll arrange a parade of all the pots and pans through the town the coming Saturday.
Peter Patt of Tin Pan Palace tells the story of this unlikely parade and of its ultimate resolution.
“I started life as a copywriter, but I hope to finish as a proper writer”
– Ken Mullen –
WORKS OF WIT AND WAGGERY
A Book of 100-odd Limericks
Five aspects of the Limerick: unpredictable, bawdy, ingenious, creative and – fun!
The Limerick thinks it’s no crime/ To use rhyme after rhyme after rhyme;/ The bit in the middle/ Kind of plays second fiddle./ But the end nails it time after time.
The Limerick’s no more than a tart/ Though to master her takes quite an art;/ To get through the middle/ Is like solving a riddle./ If you’re a tart, where’s your heart?
If you’re tempted to write a new clerihew/ To join you I think you’ll find very few;/ It’s not quite Homeric,/ Be it clerihew or Limerick;/ But a limerick always sounds new. A limerick went for a stroll/ To test out if she was droll;/ When they all fell about,/ She said it was nowt,/ “It’s music; but ‘taint rock ‘n’ roll.”
One Limerick said to the other: / “Shall I call you sister or brother?”/ She replied, “Do not vex; / Yourself, if it’s sex, / One Limerick’s as good as another!” And a sixth aspect “shocking”: There was a young man with a cock; /The size of a sizeable loch;/ “If I was much honester; /I’d call it a monster –/ It sure has the power to shock!”
A GRAND MEETING OF BUMPS
Children’s Book
The things that go bump in the night (the “Bumps”) were desperate. They were no longer big noises and had been unable to create a meaningful racket for yonks.
It was all down to the modern age. Because all the houses were like boxes it was hard to create a proper din. A Bump had no real place to hide.
There was nowhere for self-respecting bumps to conceal themselves before suddenly letting rip in the wee small hours when people were asleep and vulnerable to an unfamiliar sound which would frighten them out of their wits. The Bumps also blamed modern technology for their plight.
How could you compete with a TV set which was on most of the time or a computer screen or a video game, all of them emitting a permanent drone, hum or buzz which drowned out the noises you had been put in the world to make.
But the leader of the Bumps, Boom, was no slouch. He had a voice like a ship’s foghorn. Whenever he gave utterance, people looked round for the iceberg. No-one ever said they couldn’t hear Boom when he spoke, even when it was a stage whisper.
Boom summoned all the Bumps to a special meeting at Pandemonium, their grand Meeting Hall. There the problem they were all facing was debated till Boom produced a plan of action. Every single Bump was enamoured of the plan.
Read A Grand Meeting of the Bumps to discover what the plan was and whether it worked or not.
WORK WITH ME
Ken is ready to deploy his considerable talents on your behalf, be it in the field of pithy, witty copywriting or vibrant and varied voice-over work. Needs must and this particular devil is more than happy being driven!